This is a gift to myself

Last night may have been one of the most introspective nights I had over the din of Gangnam style,  and various Christmas Jingles and I have compiled a list of things I want to do over the next year. I haven't made any  real new year's resolution for the past three years now and I realized there are some things I really want to change this year.

1. To give myself value. 
   Stop all the self - immolation I have done while in law school. I made it here just like every other honor student who enrolled, and they have had the same heartbreaks along the way as I had. Excellence is reached when the things have gotten so low, yet the person still plowed on with his 10,000 hours. For all the years I've spent fangirling Chicago Bulls, I seem to have forgotten Michael Jordan's biography.
   
   It's time to forgive myself for not measuring up to my own expectations. Its also time to forgive myself because I simply did not have the time. I was consumed with stuff I had to do  with the family, to the point my schedule was stretched, I even got hospitalized.
   It is time to recoup, focus, and just do it.
   
2. To stop forcing the issue; chasing. 
   If it was really meant for me, it would come to me. If someone wanted to give me flowers I will get them out of their own freewill. I never asked anyone to give me flowers and I got it when I was in elementary, from oblation runs, in exchanged gifts.
   
   Last night was particularly illuminating. All I wanted, which became a point of contention for the past two months was a decent skype call from the person who made my world go round this past year, and I didn't get it. While I was getting shit from him despite best efforts on the turn of midnight, suddenly my bestfriend who I didn't tell about my 'issues' greeted me Merry Christmas on the other window. I thought it was the standard greeting. He was cities away with the rest of his extended family. I wished him Merry Christmas back, no sense of spreading my sadness when I know he is in his happy place, then suddenly out of the blue he makes it into a Skype call greets me with his aunty, his cousins, and it was the best Skype call I've had. I couldn't even say anything I was just overwhelmed. There I was sitting frustrated, feeling sorry for myself, wishing I did not go online, and there was my bestfriend smiling back at me and all I could do was wave back and nod and they thought I wasn't speaking because I can't hear them. I just couldn't speak. After that, it just wasn't so bad anymore. I may not have gotten the love I wanted so bad, but I think last night I got one I deserved.
   
3. To do things with value.
   Just noticed how much stuff we do with our daily lives that just consists of consuming, without us per se generating value. Studying has value because it has mental training, reading on the internet about the latest memes, while entertaining, doesn't add anything. Nor is finishing the entire genre archive of my favorite fan ship (I've been in it since 2004, and I've pretty much read anyone worth reading with decent grammar skills on my pairing on ff.net + lj.com). That won't help me for my bar exams either. If I got rid of those I'd actually have time to jog and lose 10 kilograms! by March 8.
   
   
   Ill keep my list a short one. So that by the end of the year I have no excuse.