So this is why blogging is a personal creative non-fiction.

The best thoughts come when were in the shower.

I can attest to this fact because the words flowed like the water pouring from the bidet while I was in there unable to type, and they are all gone as I go against the blank page.

This would probably be one of my most incoherent writings as of late; perhaps it’s a way to ensure that I do not end up doing the same thing for the bar exams or my SLR.

I was watching ETC there was a commercial of the new MTV series, Catfish. It talked about how people in an online relationship seem to sell a different persona than what they are in real life. There are those which have even gone so far as to give a picture of a different person, which then reminds me of a conversation with Martin in the library when we were talking about all the black propaganda during the elections. He was lamenting the fact that there are certain rumors totally based on lies and if they wanted to spread around lies they should have made those that are not easily verifiable to be debunked.  I am planning to watch that show and say to myself “Thank God I don’t have that problem.”

I never realized how much typing on blogger bothered me when I couldn’t make the paragraphs justified and that there was no auto correct on the program which would have caught on my typos and lack of words when my brain thinks of things faster than my fingers can type. Sometimes it’s a struggle to write the next sentence because my brain has already jumped into a new one and I forgot the thing I had to say.

For the fourth time I finished the book of Malcolm Gladwell, Blink. It talked about thin-slicing, the process of our brain in making snap decisions based on experiences gathered over the years, perhaps over ten thousand hours (as listed in his succeeding book Outliers). According to this book our series of human interactions have a pattern – from how an athlete manages to know exactly when to hit the ball with a baseball bat, Andre Agassi tilting his wrist exactly at eight degrees  when the tennis ball slides down his racket, or why the psychologists at the testing center could predict with 95% accuracy whether the marriage of the couple they were studying would end up in divorce within the span of 15 years.

Reading that part with dread, the researchers concluded that for a relationship to last there needs to be a ratio of happiness to unhappiness ratio of 1:5. So for every bad moment there needs to be four good ones, and somehow they were able to determine this by studying one hour clips of a couple’s interactions on a topic they do not agree upon. For example, the couple had a dog, which the guy clearly didn’t like, while the girl absolutely loved. The dynamics of their conversation were recorded and compared to their recording of retelling the examiners how they first met.

Arguing was good, disagreeing allowed couples to look for solutions where their minds would reach an agreement. Just like 1206 of the Civil Code where it said a contract was a meeting of the minds. But contempt was not. It looked down on the other from a different plane establish a difference in levels and a reason for disengagement.

Every day we are taught that the words we have are our weapon. Latin maxims are our last dagger. I was so intent on winning him over failing to realize that there was no competition and I ended up killing the love I was trying to win. All my words did not have any actions to temper them. I. on disagreements felt I was slighted, that I was losing him to a bestfriend that wanted his attention as much as I did, that whatever my bitchy personality was lacking I could have won him better with my other attributes to the point that it did nothing but prove that all I was after was to show how I was better than him, that when all I wanted was to show how much I valued his presence over anything else that I ended up talking to him instead of getting ready for class that I had to subsequently drop while he could not be bothered to skype with me once a week on the only day I have a decent internet access,  I became one of those clingy girlfriends that men habitually complain of during drinking sessions.

So this is what its like to be crazy in love with someone huh?  It’s consuming. When we started the relationship I was just excited, happy, floating on cloud 9. He had misgivings, what if we never worked out then we would never see each other again just like that? Maybe I should not have thrown caution to the winds. It’s the 20^th tomorrow, am I spending it alone? Maybe. The worst thing in having a phone is knowing it can receive messages from anybody but not the one you were waiting for. 

I thought I had the girlfriend role down to a t. I knew exactly three dishes to cook so at least if we ended up married he can choose among steak, stew or spaghetti. For dessert I can make a creamy refrigerator cake. I’ve been introduced to parents. I wasn’t a slut, in fact based on 9gag I would have been awesome because I played games. On retrospect, previous relationships didn’t work out because A was a jerk where after we fought he would list down every good thing he did for me, while L can’t be bothered with loyalty until he found himself a continent away. Dates that did not last two months? My old guy pals rationalized it that these guys who never me knew before wouldn’t have been able to distinguish had I been joking or not with the language I employed if they didn’t have a basis of comparison, but they said there was hope for me yet since I had them as friends after all for the past 12, 10, to 6, and 3 years.

I think you met me at the worst time in my life. Whatever good you’ve seen was buried under the daily stress, fatigue and chucking of self-esteem. I guess that’s why in law school they have a classification of relationships. Those that were formed before law school and survived 1L are bound to last, because they knew the person how he was before law and how he can be again after the bar exams, while those who got in a relationship while in law school never last because they only see us in our most horrible moments for the next few years until the bar exams are over and think of it as truth. Heck even most under the first category ended up getting married right after law school to the point we have bar babies being born, while the people in the second category according to my professor had a new relationship every semester like school supplies.

What am I writing for? To ignore the compulsion to check my phone ever few minutes to see if there’s a message not trusting my senses that there’s no buzzing in the front pocket of my pants anymore. No good morning, no good night, no message as I was leaving home for the next 5 days. It was easier to ignore when there was a lot of things going on. Now it’s a damn holiday and things are slowing down. Its all coming back to me now. I have outlined my faults, but what can these do? Am I apologizing for the things I said? I apologize for the way I said them, that I wasn’t there to show you that there was no real venom in my voice and no spite, but I had to say them somehow. I was not comfortable with how much you valued her, how different our views are towards education, that you moving away bothered me so much to a degree that regardless of what I know it didn’t stop me from feeling that I was losing you. Tomorrow is the 20^th again and I am starting to dread it.