Moving Forward

I broke up with my boyfriend exactly on our 11^th month. Not that it should matter since he never liked celebrating the little milestones. There were red flags along the way but for some reason even as I recognized it at the time I chose to ignore it thinking we can make it work but there is only so much that I can take. At the very least I can say to myself that this relationship ended with me trying. I have put in a lot of time, effort, money, and if it went unappreciated I can honestly say now, I accept it. It didn’t work out, not because I didn’t do this or didn’t do that. I have no regrets and no guilt.

There is one conversation that made such an impression on me:

“If you’re nice to me then I’ll be nice to you”

“So you mean the relationship is based on reciprocity”

“Yes is it not fair that way?”

“True enough but if a relationship is based on reciprocity, does it mean the only reason that you are still here is because I am still in this relationship? But if I pull back there is no reason for you to actually stay?”

“I think your idea of a relationship is to break up and chase the other”

“No, I do not mean for you to chase, it is just that I find that if your idea is to merely return the things that I do for you, it means that you do not have the same purpose or reason that made me do thing for you in the first place. “

Maybe he reciprocated because he loved me, or maybe he reciprocated because he was merely returning the favour period. Ouch. Just like that I felt tired, I can’t do it anymore. I am sorry.

I needed someone who can catch my back, that one day when I am so stressed with all the ego punching, bad recitations, family issues, failed papers and losing in the elections acting like a total potato sack who wont get up from lying on the floor because I am just so fucking stressed he would still force me to get up and say this too shall pass, and stay by my side because he actually remembers the good times, that he knows that this isn’t my default setting and because he still freaking cares for me, he would stay by my side at the moment even if I had nothing else to give.

I am not faultless either. I made him choose between that slut of a best friend or me. I could not accept his decision to drop from college while here I am doing my second degree. Perhaps I was being unreasonable when I felt so mad when I asked him if he actually had plans to see me (not even pertaining to this year or the next) but when he said none, I saw red.

It was too much to ask from a relationship based on reciprocity.

Being able to understand a situation easily is not commensurate to your ability to get a grip on your emotions. In fact it makes it harder because the person is locked into a situation where he feels that he should not be feeling this way, that he should take the high road yet, he still does feel bad/sad/angry/and what not and yet he is deprived of the right to do so which made moving on hard.

I am drifting a bit here.

But I realized I cannot stay in that situation forever. I missed talking to other people -the exchange of ideas and experiences to the point where I get to see their different activities and interactions with others enriching my own depositary of reflections; After this elections I told people that I would miss everyone because the past January – February reminded me of how I lived my life in 2004- 2009, before I became this working bee yuppie then a law student with no life. When I said, “I’ll be going back to my old routine, spending 8-10 hours in the library”, one of my election partners said, “that is sad”. Frankly I didn’t want to go back to that, especially not alone. I’ll go mad.

Moving forward I want a partner. Not just a boyfriend. Not just anyone. I want someone who can complement me, who may have some interests in common with me, and others of his own so that there’s an exchange of ideas. Someone who won’t feel intimidated with what I do, who has his own things, engage me in conversations and make me laugh; that he is there because he enjoys my company period. I want the stability to know that I am the one even if we don’t talk everyday, that I won’t be looking over my shoulder just to make sure I am replaced, or that he has run off to someone else. It’s a plus if he smells good and presentable so that my friends, or god forbid my parent’s wont ask what jail I picked him from.  +++ if he plays games, and lets me win from time to time, because I know I am noob like that. Heh.  I really don’t think that this is too much to ask right?