So this is why blogging is a personal creative non-fiction.

The best thoughts come when were in the shower.

I can attest to this fact because the words flowed like the water pouring from the bidet while I was in there unable to type, and they are all gone as I go against the blank page.

This would probably be one of my most incoherent writings as of late; perhaps it’s a way to ensure that I do not end up doing the same thing for the bar exams or my SLR.

I was watching ETC there was a commercial of the new MTV series, Catfish. It talked about how people in an online relationship seem to sell a different persona than what they are in real life. There are those which have even gone so far as to give a picture of a different person, which then reminds me of a conversation with Martin in the library when we were talking about all the black propaganda during the elections. He was lamenting the fact that there are certain rumors totally based on lies and if they wanted to spread around lies they should have made those that are not easily verifiable to be debunked.  I am planning to watch that show and say to myself “Thank God I don’t have that problem.”

I never realized how much typing on blogger bothered me when I couldn’t make the paragraphs justified and that there was no auto correct on the program which would have caught on my typos and lack of words when my brain thinks of things faster than my fingers can type. Sometimes it’s a struggle to write the next sentence because my brain has already jumped into a new one and I forgot the thing I had to say.

For the fourth time I finished the book of Malcolm Gladwell, Blink. It talked about thin-slicing, the process of our brain in making snap decisions based on experiences gathered over the years, perhaps over ten thousand hours (as listed in his succeeding book Outliers). According to this book our series of human interactions have a pattern – from how an athlete manages to know exactly when to hit the ball with a baseball bat, Andre Agassi tilting his wrist exactly at eight degrees  when the tennis ball slides down his racket, or why the psychologists at the testing center could predict with 95% accuracy whether the marriage of the couple they were studying would end up in divorce within the span of 15 years.

Reading that part with dread, the researchers concluded that for a relationship to last there needs to be a ratio of happiness to unhappiness ratio of 1:5. So for every bad moment there needs to be four good ones, and somehow they were able to determine this by studying one hour clips of a couple’s interactions on a topic they do not agree upon. For example, the couple had a dog, which the guy clearly didn’t like, while the girl absolutely loved. The dynamics of their conversation were recorded and compared to their recording of retelling the examiners how they first met.

Arguing was good, disagreeing allowed couples to look for solutions where their minds would reach an agreement. Just like 1206 of the Civil Code where it said a contract was a meeting of the minds. But contempt was not. It looked down on the other from a different plane establish a difference in levels and a reason for disengagement.

Every day we are taught that the words we have are our weapon. Latin maxims are our last dagger. I was so intent on winning him over failing to realize that there was no competition and I ended up killing the love I was trying to win. All my words did not have any actions to temper them. I. on disagreements felt I was slighted, that I was losing him to a bestfriend that wanted his attention as much as I did, that whatever my bitchy personality was lacking I could have won him better with my other attributes to the point that it did nothing but prove that all I was after was to show how I was better than him, that when all I wanted was to show how much I valued his presence over anything else that I ended up talking to him instead of getting ready for class that I had to subsequently drop while he could not be bothered to skype with me once a week on the only day I have a decent internet access,  I became one of those clingy girlfriends that men habitually complain of during drinking sessions.

So this is what its like to be crazy in love with someone huh?  It’s consuming. When we started the relationship I was just excited, happy, floating on cloud 9. He had misgivings, what if we never worked out then we would never see each other again just like that? Maybe I should not have thrown caution to the winds. It’s the 20^th tomorrow, am I spending it alone? Maybe. The worst thing in having a phone is knowing it can receive messages from anybody but not the one you were waiting for. 

I thought I had the girlfriend role down to a t. I knew exactly three dishes to cook so at least if we ended up married he can choose among steak, stew or spaghetti. For dessert I can make a creamy refrigerator cake. I’ve been introduced to parents. I wasn’t a slut, in fact based on 9gag I would have been awesome because I played games. On retrospect, previous relationships didn’t work out because A was a jerk where after we fought he would list down every good thing he did for me, while L can’t be bothered with loyalty until he found himself a continent away. Dates that did not last two months? My old guy pals rationalized it that these guys who never me knew before wouldn’t have been able to distinguish had I been joking or not with the language I employed if they didn’t have a basis of comparison, but they said there was hope for me yet since I had them as friends after all for the past 12, 10, to 6, and 3 years.

I think you met me at the worst time in my life. Whatever good you’ve seen was buried under the daily stress, fatigue and chucking of self-esteem. I guess that’s why in law school they have a classification of relationships. Those that were formed before law school and survived 1L are bound to last, because they knew the person how he was before law and how he can be again after the bar exams, while those who got in a relationship while in law school never last because they only see us in our most horrible moments for the next few years until the bar exams are over and think of it as truth. Heck even most under the first category ended up getting married right after law school to the point we have bar babies being born, while the people in the second category according to my professor had a new relationship every semester like school supplies.

What am I writing for? To ignore the compulsion to check my phone ever few minutes to see if there’s a message not trusting my senses that there’s no buzzing in the front pocket of my pants anymore. No good morning, no good night, no message as I was leaving home for the next 5 days. It was easier to ignore when there was a lot of things going on. Now it’s a damn holiday and things are slowing down. Its all coming back to me now. I have outlined my faults, but what can these do? Am I apologizing for the things I said? I apologize for the way I said them, that I wasn’t there to show you that there was no real venom in my voice and no spite, but I had to say them somehow. I was not comfortable with how much you valued her, how different our views are towards education, that you moving away bothered me so much to a degree that regardless of what I know it didn’t stop me from feeling that I was losing you. Tomorrow is the 20^th again and I am starting to dread it.  

Quarterlife Crisis, a day chronicle.

Sad onigiri.

No one said law school was easy, but its reaching the point of me saying everyday 'kill me now' which was I ended up doing a few months before I left the working world. This isn't a whimsical, fly by the moment thing. Rather its the product of cumulative experiences from one semester to another.

I look back to one conversation I had with one of my favorite professors in law school. He described first years as the bright eyed, hopeful individuals who think that law school life is as shiny and bright as it is seen on TV. Years of Boston Legal, Estrada Impeachment Trial, and the Corona Impeachment Trial glamorized the profession to the level of Gossip Girl sensationalizing high school life. Then come their second year where they get the grades from the year before and see that life is not what it seems, become disappointed, see their numbers diminishing, and the general feeling of loss after seeing the class number literally halved. I'm on my third year now, some would say almost at the final stretch, so close, so close to reaching my goal or dooming my fate, asking myself once again do I really want to do this?

Political Science was marketed as the best undergraduate degree course back then. If you took it there's no other career track other than becoming a lawyer, otherwise you'd be stuck as a teacher, a researcher or a bank person, forever enduring the questions of why didn't you go to law school, questions which I endured when I was out there working. On one side half of the people I know in law school had PolSci degrees, but I think its more useful in practice if you had Accounting instead. At least you have the work cut out for you on subjects like Obligations and Contracts, Credit Transactions, and Corporation Law.

I am getting sidetracked.

Ah yes, the great halls of Malcolm Hall always looked pristine, imposing and tad bit intimidating before. Now sometimes I think of it as saddening. I wanted to call it home when I first entered but right now there are periods of revulsion. One professor refused to give me a grade because I cited another in our final paper and he found it insulting (due to a personal political feud). In the next year that professor made a guy kneel so that he would pass in the same subject that he refused to give me a grade in. Now he is a shoo in to be an Associate Justice in the Supreme Court. Now I wonder what it would take to win a case.

The year after that I found myself as an irregular student, going into fourth year and third classes, where the professors expect me to know the answers to subjects I have never taken before. Third year, still the odd man out especially with the re-blocking of the system. I feel like being the ultimate politician because I'm sure I've known entire batches by now. I'm happy to survive on a day to day existence.

Maybe I am suffering from the Facebook effect...
Every post on newsfeed shows all my friends getting married, spending summer in Paris, US, backpacking all over the ASEAN Countries, and here I am, here, getting by trying to keep my dignity intact against everyday onslaught of recitations, lack of sleep, and the generally different temperament of people in law school.

But at the end of the day even if Mom offered to ship me out of the country and not look back, i'm not quitting this until its finished. I don't want to wake up when I'm forty and realize how much I regret not finishing. Thanks love for reminding me that.

I wish book writing was as easy as writing this blog post...

On Going Against the Blank Page

I've been telling myself to get a groove on. I have four book chapters to write and an output to show for it by Friday, a reaction paper and a reviewer to finish by Monday and here I am into my second day of working against the blank page. I tried shifting subjects but nothing comes to mind; its quite irritating honestly because its not like I'm working on fiction where my creativity packed up and left me, nor is it totally like rocket science mathematics which is barely discernible to mere mortals like me. Is this a weather triggered depression? Hell, if it were good luck to me since there is already climate change. 

Sims Social Layout Issues

Currently, I am wasting time with Sim Socials on my so called mini-breaks. There are those who definitely need an architect when they will build a house for themselves someday; obsessive-compulsive persons like me on the other hand can't seem to rest until the rest of the planning and layout is perfect. I am obsessing because I want to use this exercise to envision what I want my house to look like when I get the money a few years from now (well its not thoroughly accurate as I am mightily disappointed that the house lot does not provide enough space for a car park, a hippodrome, and an Olympic sized pool or a helipad). So far, I managed to take down the entire house to rebuild the entire floor layout. I decided I'd get bigger rooms for the Kitchen, Dining and Library/Work Space. I do not know what to do with the Jacuzzi and the painting easels that were somewhat mandatory for my art skills in the game

The layout for the Sim Social is a 16x16 floor area. The rooms available are as shown above except for the 8x6 piece which I cannot afford to buy yet. They should really put in more clothes in the decoration area as I plan to create a walk in closet. 

(Anne's House)

One of the Sim Social's pads I really like the layout of, is that of the above. Compared to other high leveled houses its not too crowded with items to level up, there is allotment for a garden space and well, your sim character doesn't get trapped when trying to go from room to room especially as my character has teleporting powers based on different moods and when it enters a blocked room, it cannot get out later by walking.

I'll probably post finished pics of the house I want when I finish the things I really have to do first. 

On the Miss Universe Beauty Pageant

To be honest, I was home alone with access to TV and I did not even take the opportunity to watch it. Not that I think Ms. Shamcey Supsup is not going to win and its a waste of time, rather for me, odds are we wouldn't be so lucky to place again so soon after Venus Raj's (and really, who wants to watch all that commercial anyway?). Seeing the replays on the evening news made me regret my decision and I have to say I was totally happy with her answer in the Q&A portion. 

There was a bit of furor over at the UP online groups debating as to whether or not she answered the question correctly, People on the other side were saying she should have said a more UP-like answer, which would go for the theme of unifying all religions and not go for a decision of one against the other. On the contrary I think her answer was very much like that of UP - strong, hardlined and based on her principles, delivered without fear in front of the masses, the entire multi-million who watched the pageant last night. I guess there isn't really a way to please everybody, but as a co-Isko/Iska they should just support her instead. I am particularly dismayed with one twitter person which was even mentioned on TV Patrol stating that she looked like a tranny and that she was particularly not proud of being identified as a fellow Pinay with Shamcey. Seriously, it is people like her that Filipinos can't get a move on and succeed. Let us stop all this crab mentality and show support!

Manny Pacquiao

Pursuant to the theme of keeping mum when you do not have anything nice to say, I am dithering if I should still continue with this part. All I can say is that he doesn't meet the constitutionally stated age requirement to run as Vice President of this country. As to competency, I would not doubt his capability in the boxing arena, but I am afraid boxing is not part of customary international law or whatever it is that matters to fend off China from brazenly claiming rights to our Kalayaan Group of Islands, or claiming of the West Philippine Sea as part of its internal waters. 

During election time, the masses would say its better to side with someone not so good brains wise, instead of someone very bright but corrupt, but do they not realize that if the guy is a bit dim on the learning side he will have to surround himself with the good ones still? and this time its even worse because he wouldn't have an idea on what is happening behind his back. GAH!

On UP and its lower ranking this year

What is coming to our country and state the of education ?! Singapore will soon launch its Ipad Program for its schools while we cannot even supply enough paper and pencils to ours. People drafting the budget should realize that they cannot keep on cutting it and expect stellar performance! It is like expecting a malnourished athlete to win the track and field race! That is simple logic, no need to have a task force created to investigate. Where did all our funding go? Were our schools able to contribute to the international academia papers, publications or studies which is the basis of these rankings? Oh wait, it was cut in favor of other stuff in favor of other government projects, such as building infrastructure? Right, and they still keep on charging as 80 pesos toll fee for a barely 3KM stretch of road to get to Ayala.

xoxo

Argh. Now I am becoming like one professor whose opinion was asked because he was always "upset" about the current events. /end rant

Out from my reverie

September used to be such a jovial thing to look forward to. It meant that I could sing, "Last Christmas I gave you my heart", or "Jingle Bells" without someone looking at me, thinking I was insane for singing it out of season. September harkened Christmas, my favorite time of the year especially when I was still working. It meant Christmas bonuses, and well triple pay for holidays that I'll end up working because when you are single and the youngest among the lot, all the oldies go on vacations touting their seniority to allow them to do so.

It also gave one an excuse to catch-up with long forgotten friends without having to go through the awkward moments of them asking you where have you been? Once I've been called a ninja because I just disappear. Sometimes though, I think that I am starting to dread all these catch-up coffees where you learn everyone else is getting married, having children, while I am, well here. Not that I want to have a family already God forbid, but its like everyone I know seem to have moved on, while I am doing my best to type up the rest of my reviewers and try not to dread the end of September and finals.

I think I like this semester better though. I missed my old batchmates and I'm beginning to feel like my old self again.  Less grumpy and actually enjoying what I am reading (or not reading). Heck, I even get to see my old undergraduate crush woot woot! Except for well, the fact that there are more instances of me feeling like, "oh shit, how many papers do I still have to type?" I am happy as a clam

Priorities shift and change through the years. I am quite thankful that I am able to do what I have said I will do way back from kindergarten. Living out the childhood dream(or more appropriately real life hell?) is the thought that moves me to trudge on and to chase the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. May my quest not end up to be that of Don Quixote's chase for the elusive Dulcinea.