So this is why blogging is a personal creative non-fiction.

The best thoughts come when were in the shower.

I can attest to this fact because the words flowed like the water pouring from the bidet while I was in there unable to type, and they are all gone as I go against the blank page.

This would probably be one of my most incoherent writings as of late; perhaps it’s a way to ensure that I do not end up doing the same thing for the bar exams or my SLR.

I was watching ETC there was a commercial of the new MTV series, Catfish. It talked about how people in an online relationship seem to sell a different persona than what they are in real life. There are those which have even gone so far as to give a picture of a different person, which then reminds me of a conversation with Martin in the library when we were talking about all the black propaganda during the elections. He was lamenting the fact that there are certain rumors totally based on lies and if they wanted to spread around lies they should have made those that are not easily verifiable to be debunked.  I am planning to watch that show and say to myself “Thank God I don’t have that problem.”

I never realized how much typing on blogger bothered me when I couldn’t make the paragraphs justified and that there was no auto correct on the program which would have caught on my typos and lack of words when my brain thinks of things faster than my fingers can type. Sometimes it’s a struggle to write the next sentence because my brain has already jumped into a new one and I forgot the thing I had to say.

For the fourth time I finished the book of Malcolm Gladwell, Blink. It talked about thin-slicing, the process of our brain in making snap decisions based on experiences gathered over the years, perhaps over ten thousand hours (as listed in his succeeding book Outliers). According to this book our series of human interactions have a pattern – from how an athlete manages to know exactly when to hit the ball with a baseball bat, Andre Agassi tilting his wrist exactly at eight degrees  when the tennis ball slides down his racket, or why the psychologists at the testing center could predict with 95% accuracy whether the marriage of the couple they were studying would end up in divorce within the span of 15 years.

Reading that part with dread, the researchers concluded that for a relationship to last there needs to be a ratio of happiness to unhappiness ratio of 1:5. So for every bad moment there needs to be four good ones, and somehow they were able to determine this by studying one hour clips of a couple’s interactions on a topic they do not agree upon. For example, the couple had a dog, which the guy clearly didn’t like, while the girl absolutely loved. The dynamics of their conversation were recorded and compared to their recording of retelling the examiners how they first met.

Arguing was good, disagreeing allowed couples to look for solutions where their minds would reach an agreement. Just like 1206 of the Civil Code where it said a contract was a meeting of the minds. But contempt was not. It looked down on the other from a different plane establish a difference in levels and a reason for disengagement.

Every day we are taught that the words we have are our weapon. Latin maxims are our last dagger. I was so intent on winning him over failing to realize that there was no competition and I ended up killing the love I was trying to win. All my words did not have any actions to temper them. I. on disagreements felt I was slighted, that I was losing him to a bestfriend that wanted his attention as much as I did, that whatever my bitchy personality was lacking I could have won him better with my other attributes to the point that it did nothing but prove that all I was after was to show how I was better than him, that when all I wanted was to show how much I valued his presence over anything else that I ended up talking to him instead of getting ready for class that I had to subsequently drop while he could not be bothered to skype with me once a week on the only day I have a decent internet access,  I became one of those clingy girlfriends that men habitually complain of during drinking sessions.

So this is what its like to be crazy in love with someone huh?  It’s consuming. When we started the relationship I was just excited, happy, floating on cloud 9. He had misgivings, what if we never worked out then we would never see each other again just like that? Maybe I should not have thrown caution to the winds. It’s the 20^th tomorrow, am I spending it alone? Maybe. The worst thing in having a phone is knowing it can receive messages from anybody but not the one you were waiting for. 

I thought I had the girlfriend role down to a t. I knew exactly three dishes to cook so at least if we ended up married he can choose among steak, stew or spaghetti. For dessert I can make a creamy refrigerator cake. I’ve been introduced to parents. I wasn’t a slut, in fact based on 9gag I would have been awesome because I played games. On retrospect, previous relationships didn’t work out because A was a jerk where after we fought he would list down every good thing he did for me, while L can’t be bothered with loyalty until he found himself a continent away. Dates that did not last two months? My old guy pals rationalized it that these guys who never me knew before wouldn’t have been able to distinguish had I been joking or not with the language I employed if they didn’t have a basis of comparison, but they said there was hope for me yet since I had them as friends after all for the past 12, 10, to 6, and 3 years.

I think you met me at the worst time in my life. Whatever good you’ve seen was buried under the daily stress, fatigue and chucking of self-esteem. I guess that’s why in law school they have a classification of relationships. Those that were formed before law school and survived 1L are bound to last, because they knew the person how he was before law and how he can be again after the bar exams, while those who got in a relationship while in law school never last because they only see us in our most horrible moments for the next few years until the bar exams are over and think of it as truth. Heck even most under the first category ended up getting married right after law school to the point we have bar babies being born, while the people in the second category according to my professor had a new relationship every semester like school supplies.

What am I writing for? To ignore the compulsion to check my phone ever few minutes to see if there’s a message not trusting my senses that there’s no buzzing in the front pocket of my pants anymore. No good morning, no good night, no message as I was leaving home for the next 5 days. It was easier to ignore when there was a lot of things going on. Now it’s a damn holiday and things are slowing down. Its all coming back to me now. I have outlined my faults, but what can these do? Am I apologizing for the things I said? I apologize for the way I said them, that I wasn’t there to show you that there was no real venom in my voice and no spite, but I had to say them somehow. I was not comfortable with how much you valued her, how different our views are towards education, that you moving away bothered me so much to a degree that regardless of what I know it didn’t stop me from feeling that I was losing you. Tomorrow is the 20^th again and I am starting to dread it.  

Boyfriend Appreciation Day

Today I'll try to make this a less sappy cheesy post though I have to admit I wanted to started this in old english with the line of How do I love thee let me count the ways.... I wanted to make this one since August 27 (when I saw the drafts today), and I'll finally write it as part of Nanowrimo. 

When I was randomly searching on how to deal with boyfriend arguments on the internet a few months ago I was not disappointed. When I typed "my boyfriend is" I got a list of suggestions, majority of them negative, and I found it a tad bit unfair to all the boyfriends in the world (though some may end up deserving the names they are called) to be described in such manner. Granted, I too, am guilty of writing down my thoughts when I am angry / sad but yet I never got around to sit and type about my life when I am happy, maybe because I was so into the moment of enjoying it, and I feel like its about time I actually sat down to write all the good vibes I want to send my boyfriend's way. If I can get the time to talk to him about my problems then I can also have the time to tell him when I am happy and appreciative of all the things he does. 

One of the things I liked about my boyfriend is how easy it is to get into a conversation with him. It doesn't matter what topic it is, he listens and adds his thoughts on the matter too. He makes me feel excited enough to make me want to tell him first whats the interesting thing that happened to my day, and unlike most guys he actually responds. He doesn't mind sharing what happened to his day too even the littlest details which makes me feel I was actually with him when it happened to him. 

Another thing which is probably why I love love him is how stable he is personality wise. Its like even when my own temper flares he doesn't go to immediately fight fire with fire and he doesn't mind talking all the issues out until we get to the root cause of the problem, unlike in the past where I'd get stuck in ignoring/quiet spells, cool-offs, and lets just break up over this fight thing (though I am guilty of it too). With him I can count that we are still in a relationship even if we were in a fight (and not get surprised that I'm already single because my ex told all our friends the next day at school we were already over). 

His independence and strength of character really amazes me too. To be self-supporting at such a young age, not afraid to take risks and go across countries, and to have the initiative to work to make things better considering the environment he grew up in... To me its really something. 

He makes me laugh. Damn witty this one. 

Our complimentary strengths and weak spots. 

How responsive he is. I mean he really listens to what you're saying and if there's something I am unhappy with like less time due to work, suddenly I feel like 'why is he around at this hour when he has work tomorrow?' or when conversations always get cut short, I know when he is making up for it when I get the full details the day after; and on the dangerous topic of why I hate his girl "best friend" who is a totally passive-aggressive, attention seeking, and in a need of a therapist kind of person, at the back of my head I know he has been making changes to accommodate competing interests, even if my appreciation for his efforts are lacking or sidetracked by the latest eyebrow raising thing that girl bff has done and what not.    

I have to end this short now that he is awake. Lol.

    

Quarterlife Crisis, a day chronicle.

Sad onigiri.

No one said law school was easy, but its reaching the point of me saying everyday 'kill me now' which was I ended up doing a few months before I left the working world. This isn't a whimsical, fly by the moment thing. Rather its the product of cumulative experiences from one semester to another.

I look back to one conversation I had with one of my favorite professors in law school. He described first years as the bright eyed, hopeful individuals who think that law school life is as shiny and bright as it is seen on TV. Years of Boston Legal, Estrada Impeachment Trial, and the Corona Impeachment Trial glamorized the profession to the level of Gossip Girl sensationalizing high school life. Then come their second year where they get the grades from the year before and see that life is not what it seems, become disappointed, see their numbers diminishing, and the general feeling of loss after seeing the class number literally halved. I'm on my third year now, some would say almost at the final stretch, so close, so close to reaching my goal or dooming my fate, asking myself once again do I really want to do this?

Political Science was marketed as the best undergraduate degree course back then. If you took it there's no other career track other than becoming a lawyer, otherwise you'd be stuck as a teacher, a researcher or a bank person, forever enduring the questions of why didn't you go to law school, questions which I endured when I was out there working. On one side half of the people I know in law school had PolSci degrees, but I think its more useful in practice if you had Accounting instead. At least you have the work cut out for you on subjects like Obligations and Contracts, Credit Transactions, and Corporation Law.

I am getting sidetracked.

Ah yes, the great halls of Malcolm Hall always looked pristine, imposing and tad bit intimidating before. Now sometimes I think of it as saddening. I wanted to call it home when I first entered but right now there are periods of revulsion. One professor refused to give me a grade because I cited another in our final paper and he found it insulting (due to a personal political feud). In the next year that professor made a guy kneel so that he would pass in the same subject that he refused to give me a grade in. Now he is a shoo in to be an Associate Justice in the Supreme Court. Now I wonder what it would take to win a case.

The year after that I found myself as an irregular student, going into fourth year and third classes, where the professors expect me to know the answers to subjects I have never taken before. Third year, still the odd man out especially with the re-blocking of the system. I feel like being the ultimate politician because I'm sure I've known entire batches by now. I'm happy to survive on a day to day existence.

Maybe I am suffering from the Facebook effect...
Every post on newsfeed shows all my friends getting married, spending summer in Paris, US, backpacking all over the ASEAN Countries, and here I am, here, getting by trying to keep my dignity intact against everyday onslaught of recitations, lack of sleep, and the generally different temperament of people in law school.

But at the end of the day even if Mom offered to ship me out of the country and not look back, i'm not quitting this until its finished. I don't want to wake up when I'm forty and realize how much I regret not finishing. Thanks love for reminding me that.